This is the spine. Wayne’s world. Death spell. Brand new Netflix Metal Masters. Some movies just I get metal, watering every second they can on witty missions and gloriously obnoxious music. These are not movies. From the exploitation horror of the 1980s to the old upheavals of the 2000s, metal was also the setting for a number of lazy and inaccurate fans. Here are ten movies that completely misunderstood what heavy music means.
Kiss Meets The Phantom Of The Park (1978)
The connoisseurs of the movie “so bad that it is good” need this fever dream that Hannah-Barbera produced in their life. Even the plot is hilarious: Kiss while fighting an evil inventor to save a theme park. But then you watch it and you see the miserable interpretation, the ridiculous costumes and the drummer Peter Criss shooting an eye laser. It was such a failed masterclass that, for years, the band did not allow anyone to talk about it in his presence.
Hard Rock Zombies (1985)
Hard Rock Zombies is a work of pure, crazy imagination. His plot follows a hair metal band that is murdered by a Nazi cult and then returns from the grave. However, the most surreal thing in this is the scene where their manager requires their group photos to be adored, and they say no. Glam metal has never been so lavish – not so incomprehensibly ridiculous.
Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare (1987)
Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare not only does heavy metal get it wrong – it does everything wrong. This live video horror was the selfish journey of Jon Mikl Thor: a muscular singer who became a rock singer who wrote, produced and starred in this extremely cheap video. The songs are lifeless, the effects suck and the pace is boring. This is not so bad it’s good. They’re just shit.
Black Roses (1988)
John Fasano’s terror of exploitation does some things right. The soundtrack was released by Metal Blade Records and features Lizzy Borden. However, as a story, it is steeped in all the negative stereotypes of heavy metal of the time. A heavy metal band touring under the name Black Roses begins to influence teenagers in a small town, with their performances leading them to kill their parents. It’s all satanic nonsense cliché panic.
Rock Star (2001)
Bill and Ted Director Stephen Herek falls in love with this biopic inspired by Tim “Ripper” Owens, which is loaded with homophobia and occasional half-heartedness. The ending, where Mark Wahlberg invents grunge on his own, is also incredible shit. At least there is a killer Miles Kennedy in there.
The Rocker (2008)
Bar This is the spine, School Of Rock may be the most popular movie with rock and metal. Rocker, released five years after Jack’s modern classic, tries to recapture his favorite charm that swings with children and falls on his head. Jokes about the use of drums as murder weapons and rock stars who inexplicably adopt British accents when they become famous have no basis in reality. So in the end, everything looks like a lazy cash grab.
Hesher very heavy metal looks and sounds. Joseph Gordon-Levitt relied on Cliff Burton’s title character style and the first half of the trailer is none other than Metallica Battery. That said, it is a bleak picture, using the depressing stereotype of metalheads without recognizing anything of the fun of the genre. Add a pointless plot and this is a meander that you can skip.
Rock Of Ages (2012)
Director Adam Shankman amassed as many big names as Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin for this jukebox comedy. However, no star power can save you when you do not know what you are doing. The plot – a politician trying to shut down a Los Angeles rock club – is the color of a CBBC cartoon, with jokes about girl-like glam rockers picking only the lowest fruit. Every idea here has been well worn since 1989, let alone in 2012.
American Satan (2018)
If you did not know anything about metal and you saw American Satan, you would never hear a note of music. Directed by Sumerian Records founder Ash Avildsen, he is not only crazy but also half-hearted. The mother takes the daughters on tour buses to lose their virginity, the women forgive their friends for the fraud and the issue of rape is treated as sensitively as playing football with a jar. At a time when metal is trying to become a safer place for women, this is exactly the kind of flashback we do not need.
Slayer: The Repentless Killogy (2019)
Slayer’s response to Metallica: Through The Never, The Repentless Killogy it was supposed to be a blood-stained revenge thriller with a soundtrack from a thrash metal that hits. However, as a gorefest, it is lame. Every murder is either pedestrian or so crazy that it is unintentionally hilarious. Slayer is heard only at the end, at a climax of thirty seconds of recording Angel of death. Imagine sitting back in your own movie.